Vulnerability is a Four-Letter Word

Like. Love. Pain. Hurt. Loss.

Those are the words that best describe the flurry of emotions that I’ve been feeling more and more of for the past year and a half or so.

Unfortunately, they’ve been felt in much higher concentrations than normal over the last month or so more than anything, and all because of a boy.

But that’s how it always starts, isn’t it? A boy or girl careens into our lives without us realizing its even happening until we are wrapped in a blanket burrito on our floor with all of our emotions oozing out of our face. It’s never pretty and the only people that seem to have a better view are the people that just drug our emotions through the ringer.

Something happened to me my freshman year of college that completely obliterated my pre-college emotional stability and it took me roughly a year and a half to get through all of the bullshit that it came with.

Long story short; I started dating a guy that I really liked, and we essentially jumped into our relationship and it was good until it wasn’t anymore and I basically carried all of the weight of the relationship for a few months, plus everything else that I had going on. It was NOT a fun experience for me since I prefer to work as an equal in a relationship and it felt like he was taking more than he was giving. So I dumped him and he started to date my RA roughly two weeks after and I had to see them ALL of the time and it hurt.

That summer I fell into a deep and dark depression that I fought in vain to keep at bay so that my outward appearance made me seem okay. Unfortunately that front didn’t last very long because my roommates at the time found ways to coax my problems out of me. Granted, it was a little like pulling teeth to get me to talk, even though they had a good idea of what was going on with me, but goddamn did they work hard. Especially when I insisted on staying in bed all day or going straight to bed and shutting off my brain as soon as I got home from work. Then one day one of them came in while I was writing or reading or something and they forced me to spill, and I (finally) did. I bawled in my friends arms and finally got some semblance of a release that I deperately needed that summer. But something still didn’t feel right after I cried. I still felt the enormous weight of the depression and agony of seeing them together on a regular basis.

I realize now how petty that is to say, but I had invested a lot of time and energy into that relationship and I didn’t feel appreciated on top of everything else. So, my natural response is bitterness followed by a hefty dose of depression.

Unfortunately, depression has always been something that I’ve fought tooth and nail to try and pacify, but it has this awesome knack of always coming back, and usually with a burning vengeance. I think, no, I know that it has something to do how ridiculously sensitive to the world around me that I am. I’m a walking, talking sack of nerve endings and sometimes I put myself into situations almost accidentally that leave me with no other choice than to cauterize my emotional wounds.

Then at the beginning of this semester I met someone that I felt a strong connection to and I somehow let them demolish the heavily guarded walls around my heart with a high-grade flamethrower. We hung out a couple times, intimate things happened and then they dropped a  bomb on me that I wasn’t entirely expecting. Their news was that they don’t want a relationship this year, but I do, so of course my heart started to kind of break in that moment and it has been unfortunately breaking more and more ever since. Mainly because I keep letting them into my life and my room, and they keep doing things that a boyfriend would probably do, like caressing my face, and kissing my cheeks and forehead, and every time they did it I would let it happen because who doesn’t like to be held and have affection when they’ve gone nearly three years without any proper connection and the connection is so great??

Why would you say that you don’t want a relationship but when you get the person that you know has more than lukewarm feelings for you you proceed to drag their heart and emotions through the mud?

 So last weekend I walked up to him one day and announced that we had come to an impasse and I gave him something that signified a white flag. I felt strong. I had prepared what I was going to say to him and how I was going to say it to him in the strongest tone I could muster and I was going to look awesome doing it. Then he hugged me and I melted into him again.

Now I’m currently cauterizing my wounds and I’m pretty sure that if I do it much more that I’ll be completely numb to everything and shut down more and more every time something horrible happens to me emotionally..because that works, right?

Unfortunately, this fiasco happened to me right as I was starting to feel completely healed from the last time this kind of emotional trauma happened to me and I felt like a shattered mirror, seven years bad luck included.

I hope that the bounce back from this doesn’t take as long to recover from as the last experience did. I don’t think that I have the energy for it anymore since it happened the last time.

A person can only take so much.


The Five Things You Learn While Traveling for the First Time, and Alone

1. When you board your first train, plane or automobile that’s going to take you to your destination, no matter what it is, you will probably be full of nerves and excitement. If you’re anything like me the nerves & excitement will have already been simmering for weeks up until your actual trip. This is good. Let the nerves and excitement bubble and simmer under your skin because you can use them later in your trip as stored energy to go explore your new surroundings.

2. Pay attention to your surroundings. There are new people around you everywhere you turn and not all of them will have your best interest in mind. Especially if you look like a tourist. Ya know, a giant camera dangling from your neck and always looking up? Yeah, that’s how you know you’re a tourist. The locals aren’t always so kind once they know this. 

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3. While exploring your new environment whether it’s in the boroughs of NYC, the frozen tundra of Alaska or the deserts of Arizona, find something that is unique to the  area and make yourself familiar with it. For example, while in Chicago this past week I found a really cute cafe called The Growling Rabbit by my friend’s apartment. So, I did the homework and looked it up online to see what I could possibly be getting myself into, food and price wise. The next day I woke up early and started to head to the cafe and it turned out to be really amazing. The atmosphere was cozy and the employees were as amazing as their menu.

4. Keep a journal. They’re much easier to carry with you than your laptop and it’s always a good excuse to write down small observations of the people around you that you’d rather not make public on a social media website. Keeping a journal on hand also helps you to measure how much you’ve grown throughout the passing of time on your trip.

5. Once you’re home take a step back for a minute, after you’ve recovered from whatever adventure you’ve been on of course, and assess yourself. Are you a little braver than you used to be? A little more fearless about approaching people and trying new things? Does your soul feel like it’s been washed anew? How about your mind? Does your body have a few new bumps and scrapes and tone to your muscles? Yeah, mine did too. These are not bad things at all, friend. In fact, they’re to serve as reminders that you went out and made something happen for yourself and that you enjoyed yourself along way in one form or another.

So dear friends, go forth and seek adventure and The Great Unknown, because they’re out there and they’re just begging to be found by you.

Beating a Dead Horse. Thanks Twitter.

It has come to my attention that I am apparently against marriage.

I wish I had known this. Instead it was oh so kindly pointed out to me on Twitter from a former coworker.

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I’m well aware of the fact that I am/can be a little judgemental of people at times, but it’s something that I’m working on and being incessantly reminded by people like this is not something I need.

I’m also not unhappy for my friend’s that are gettng married and having babies. In fact, I’m ecstatic for them and the fact that they’ve found someone to share and build

Screen Shot 2013-12-14 at 5.13.41 PM their life with. As for me, I’m not ready for that because I’m working on making myself happy by concentrating on school and eventually my career.

I like to think to myself as an independent person. Yes, I need help as much as the next person every now and then. But when I ask for help, I get it.

Apparently just because I don’t and never really have went with the flow of what everyone else was doing with their lives makes me

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 a bad person. The person also tried to tell me that you only live once. As if I wasn’t already aware, Like, I have scars on my body from taings that almost killed me and I’ve lost more people in my life from a disease that killed at least half of family. I am more than aware that you only live once. 

I’ve covered this topic countless times in this blog, and I thought that the next time I wrote about it again that I’d have a boyfriend or something.

Which brings up another point that this lovely person assumed, “I get a sense that you’re against relationships altogether.” Actually no. I love the idea of a relationship and being equal with someone, but no, I’m definitely not against relationships. I’ve just seen some shitty ones happen to firends and family, so yes, naturally that shit scared me, So, my natural instinct is to avoid it.

Yeah, so it’s been almost been three years since I’ve had a boyfriend, who the fuck cares?

With that I am now going to get off of this stupid soap box and continue to just as they say, “do me”.

Fuck it, let’s get married!

In the grand tradition of growing up it’s no longer a strange thing for us twenty somethings to see our best friend’s from high school and/or college running off to get married or popping out babies at the speed of light. But for some of us, especially people like me, that  tend to accidentally throw our own independence and hopes and dreams into the faces of those that are hitched, it can get a little difficult to bite our tongues and not keep our comments and opinions to ourselves.

Earlier today I went to a friend of mine from high school’s bridal shower. She has a beautiful son, a great future husband (though I’ve yet to meet him), a beautiful house and an amazing and supportive family that is behind her all the way. I would be lying my ass off if I didn’t say that I was a little bit jealous of her in some ways, but all of these good things couldn’t have happened to a more deserving person.

As much as I “hate” on the whole institution of marriage and stuff I’m a total hopeless romantic that probably just has a chip on their shoulder because I haven’t been around a lot of healthy relationships in my 24 years. The evidence is shown in various facets of my life on and off line. For example, my Pinterest account has an entire board dedicated to Love alone. My Tumblr is rife with sentiments about love and a whole lot of literature related things, so clearly it’s something I really want, but it has to be with the right person.

But I digress, maybe I’m just bitter because one of my former best friend’s got married to a guy that rubs me the wrong way and she didn’t care what I thought and decided to marry the jerk anyways, and I wasn’t invited to the wedding. Probably out of fear that when the priest read the line, “if anyone objects to this marriage speak now or forever hold your peace” that I’d be that person that objected. I probably would have for the simple reason that her and I were going to do great things with our lives and not let men/boys get in the way.  Yeah, I’m a bitch. This is probably why I’m still single too. Damn that whole having standards thing!

I really do love my friend’s married, pregnant or otherwise but this whole being patient for a love of my own is making me a little antsy.Apparently the Love Bug is in the area and he hasn’t even come near me.

All I have to say is that whomever is the guy that I’m supposed to be with he better be a good one.

BEDA day 22: Raising a Middle Finger to the Outdated Patriarical Views of Society

It has been brought to my attention that I am in fact still single.  Ryan Gosling doing his thing.

Evidence A: A friend of mine texted me out of the blue the other night and after a short conversation was like ” You’re so beautiful and driven, I’m surprised you haven’t been taken off the market yet.”

My internal monologue to that semi-complimentary dig went a little like this:

“Well first…I’m not a piece of meat that some random guy can just pick up and pay a dowry for and expect great things to happen out of it. I’m also not a prize so easily won, because I am picky as fuck.”

Evidence B: A friend of mine that used to go to my school last year sent me a random late night e-mail (are you sensing a trend yet?) that said that if he wasn’t with his current girlfriend that he would “totally” date  me, and his girlfriend who I might add is the sweetest person on this green Earth.

My internal monologue to this one:

“That sounds familar…oh yeah a line very close to that was delivered to me by my now ex boyfriend last year at a bar after he had just drank an entire two pitchers worth of beer in one gulp. Way to be, asshole. My once great opinion of you now has been damaged.”

I am reminded on a near constant basis that I am not apart of a couple, some days it sucks and I get a little distraught on the inside, but that still doesn’t discourage me from attempting to ask a guy out now and then. For example, this weekend I asked a friend of mine to be my Dutch Date to go see The Great Gatsby with some friends of mine when it comes out next month. Sadly, I’m still waiting for an answer that at this point I’m just going to go ahead and take as a flat out “No”. Which kind of sucks, but it’s not the worst thing.

One day I’ll find someone that can match up to my somewhat unreasonably high standards, there is a really high chance that they aren’t going to be found where I am now. But I have short-term goals that I would like to see accomplished sooner than later and with minimal distractions bothering me so that I can make room for the long-term ones.

Besides I tend to do better on my own for the most part. I’m resourceful and I know who to call if I get myself into a pickle.

This is the part where I contradict every word that I’ve already said about being an independent, single, driven woman but at least I’m being honest, even if it is a tad confusing.  It would be great to have someone to order takeout with, get drunk with and cuddle on the couch with while watching movies. It would also be great to have someone that is almost my personal cheerleader and me their’s. I want someone to cheer for and share experiences with. I want to fall in love and be fallen in love with.

The things that I’m asking for really aren’t that much. Then again, maybe they are.

BEDA day 8: On Metaphorical Masonry

I build walls. They are made of iron and brick and they’re very, very high.

In light of recent events those walls have been emotionally compromised and I’m shrouded in darkness. Which is a place that I don’t like to be because I’m what some would call nosy, I prefer the term intuitive.

I’ve tried to narrow down who this possible secret admirer may be, but on a campus of over 6,000 students that’s not  exactly a simple task.

Last night this post was posted on my school’s confessions Facebook page and it took me by complete surprise. I was in shock for about 14 hours.

Nicole; you are intelligent, funny, and a beautiful person inside and out. I know you always say you’re not ready to date anyone for a while but I can see all the time that you need someone to wrap their arms around you and fill you full of warmth and it kills me that I can’t be that guy for you. If that day never comes I hope that we can at least be very good friends. I know that someday you’re going to make one very lucky guy very very happy.
All that I can gather from this eloquently put post is that;
  • I obviously know them, but not that well.
  • they are super attentive and my expressive eyes are both a blessing and a curse.

Yeah, that’s all I’ve got. Hopefully this stranger will make themselves known to me before school gets out for summer vacation. Which is in a month and a half.  I’ll provide updates as they become available.

I’m scared to even consider dating again. That’s one of the main reasons why I admire the ones that I like from afar. It’s much easier that way for both parties.

Inside every modern woman there is a ‘Golden Girl’

What do the now infamous women of  Sex and the City and Golden Girls have in common? A lot more then you’d think, actually.

Samantha and Blanche both share a vivacious libido, Miranda and Dorothy are the wise old birds of the crew and Rose and Charlotte and the sweet, naive, WASP-y type

(courtesy of Google Images)

(Google Images)

s of the group, and then there is Carrie Bradshaw, the woman’s woman. Every woman wants to be her and every man wants to date her, as the star of the show and the brain child of Candace Bushnell it just seems right that she and Sophia are alike. Comedic timing and  smart on point one-liners are what these brainy beauties are best known for and will go down in television history for. So props to them.

Inside every modern woman there is a Golden Girl, if you wrapped up every personality trait of every woman then you would have a very complicated girl, but she would also be the perfect one if you think about it. If we all had the sexual tenacity of Samantha and the smarts of Rose rolled into one person, there probably wouldn’t be a lot of men that complain out there, or they may just complain more.  It’s hard to tell as this point.

Pardon the rustiness everyone, I just now got my laptop back and I had this post planned out for awhile, but now it just kind of feels D.O.A. I hope I can fix this execution thing as the week goes on.