I graduate college next year. I graduate college next year, and honestly I think that I’m a little terrified. I mean, that’s usually the natural response to something like this. Or at least it has been for everyone that I’ve known that’s graduated already. But they eventually picked themselves up and have started to make something out of themselves.
I just hope that transfers to everyone that turns their tassels come graduation day.
The only difference between me and most of them is that while they are laying down roots I’m trying to figure out where my next travel destination will be. There’s so much more of this world that I have yet to and want to see and explore. So, unless I get a job out of college that lets me travel and work at the same time that I actually enjoy than I may be forced to start rooting myself. That would be cool if Missouri was where I wanted to stay all of my life. Which I don’t. I’ve lived here for going on 26 years, and while they’ve been some good years, they haven’t made me want to stay much longer.
A while ago during a late night Facebook conversation. a friend of mine pointed out to me that I was restless. Of course I am. I’ve seen five countries in the span of two weeks and what I saw was very little. Of course my natural inclination right now is to fly rather than fight.
A few things that I’ve noticed while I travel is that that big black cloud of depression that likes to hang over me in my daily life seems to dissipate and the straight jacket of anxiety tends to loosen up its hold. So, obviously I’m doing something right. Right?
I have this nagging feeling deep inside that I want to lay down some roots or something. I think what it is is my desire to want to take care of something and in turn be taken care of.
While I’m quite fond of being the independent woman that I am (I think I am), I have also been single for going on four years now. I realize that that’s not a lot of time compared to some people. For example, my mom; she’s been single/divorced for almost eight years now and she seems to be doing pretty well. But there are days when I know that she would do anything to have someone by her side to help carry some of the weight of her stressful life. For that I don’t blame her either. If anything, I want her (and my brothers by proxy) to be happy.
I come from a family of tough, driven and stubborn women so it could be years before I reach whatever it is I really want out of life. So for now I’ll just have to work at chipping away at this shell that I’ve built up around myself by myself.
In this low context, polychronic day and age the loss of connection is basically the worst thing that can happen to a person. Especially, if that connection is a wifi connection. But when it’s a loss of person-to-person, human connection we all seem to be slightly more okay with it.
Why do we do this to ourselves? We’re social animals with a strong desire for connection but now it all seems to come from the internet and other forms of social media. Don’t get me wrong, I get a twinge of satisfaction and connection when someone likes a post on my Twitter, Facebook, Instagram or even here on my blog, but something’s missing. It has been for sometime now, I think.
The other day in my Nonverbal Communication we started to discuss the idea of Haptics, which is any form of nonverbal communication involving touch and that’s when it hit me. I’m sorely lacking it. I feel like if my life were being tracked on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs that I’d always be ping ponging between the bottom two, if not the entire thing.
Now, I do realize that being alone and getting to know yourself is an integral part of growing up, and I do make efforts to get out, but being alone and being lonely are two distinctly different things that both need to be handled in their own ways. But it doesn’t make them suck any less.
I just need a good platonic hand hold or a cuddle puddle with friends that lasts all night or something. I’ve gotten way too comfortable in my solitude over the past year and a half or so and I’m not entirely sure how to feel about it either, besides confused and ready for a change.
So what’s a girl gotta do around here to be held for awhile?
“You can be lonely even when you are loved by many people, since you are still not anybody’s one and only.”
As the end of the semester draws near by the day, there are literally five more Mondays left in this semester, I feel like this is appropriate to be writing now.
In just a couple of weeks my school is holding it’s annual end of the semester/school year wrap-up festivities and I am not ready for a myriad of reasons. The first of those being that after my trip to Europe for two weeks I have no idea what I’m going to do or where I’m going to live and that’s terrifying.
I mean, so is the fact that I only have roughly a year and a half left of school since I decided to minor in Sociology, but the passage of time from freshmen year to now has gone uncomfortably fast. As I continue to get older I am one thousand percent sure that things just aren’t going to slow down, or get any easier.
At the very least I think that one of the best things that I’ve done for myself in between now and then is to set some really great goals for myself. Some of these include but are not limited to; get my GPA up to a 3.0, travel more, start saving for my move to Chicago in three years. Yes, upon graduation I’m giving myself the three years that I have left on my Ventra card that still has some money on it as a promise to myself. Is that weird? If so, well then I’m just a big weirdo.
I don’t want to grow up.
Last week I got paid and I obviously decided to buy myself three new books, because ya know, they are the best things in the world and apparently how I help to heal myself when I’m feeling down- (see them below)
Tonight I am doing something that I haven’t done in forever, catching up on my favorite book vlogger videos/publishing company mavens that I admire oh so much; @papertimelady & @booksandquills. Earlier today I came to a sad realization while trying to get myself caught back up with my classes and that’s that I may not get to re-
ad books for pleasure for a long time, or at the very least until I graduate from college and find a stable job. That’s at least three years of not being able to read for pleasure for an uncomfortable amount of time that I’m not really okay with. Mainly because reading is my perfect escape method when life starts to throw me too many curveballs. So far I’ve only read about 10 pages in all of them because my brain has been a little scattered lately and I can’t pick a genre to save my life, but thankfully Fall break is coming up and I’m going to catch up on my sleeping, reading, any homework I may have a watching Ted Talks because those things are the best things ever, seriously.
Tonight while adding to my ever-expanding list of “Books to Read” on Goodreads.com I decided to randomly click the covers tab to show my Read books and whoa was my night made a little bit better, because what’s better than a beautiful a
nd tangible bookshelf than a beautiful virtual bookshelf? Nothing.
I really, really, really hope that I can get a job in the publishing industry after I graduate. I am well aware of how hard it will be to find
one/once I get one but until then at least I have passion and drive for something that is as Stephen King said so eloquently,”…a uniquely portable magic.”
Meredith Grey had Christina, Lorelai had Sookie and Rory had Lane…but I feel like I have no one.
At least that’s how it feels anyways. I probably do have someone that is my “person” that I can tell any and everything to, but I think that the fog of my mild depression that I fell into last year is still lingering. Even though I have my own room and am trying to do more to get involved at school this year by doing RHA and participating in our 48 hour film festival later this year but ever since I moved out of my community oriented dorm I have felt like I am missing something, even though I do work there there’s still something that feels off inside of me. I just can’t put my finger on what it is and it is killing me!
Now, I do realize that I am surrounded by a bunch of wonderful people and that I have access to resources that can help me sort my stuff out like counseling and RA’s that are supposed to be there for you, but on those tough nights where you need someone to just hold you and tell you that things will be okay, they can’t be there for you, because some are much older than you and they aren’t really your friend’s they’re your confidants.
I realize that I’m probably overexaggerating (I have a tendency to do that a lot) or that I’m probably just being a big baby, but looking back over the years of my college experience I’ve only had one really great year and that was freshmen year with a bunch of random wonderful things up until this point and I know that I need to work on making myself happy before I even begin to entertain the idea of getting into a relationship again one day and I really want to be happy. I just don’t know how to get there by myself.
“No, it’s not so bad. I’m lucky, I know. I just. . .I feel like I’m never gonna have it. . .the whole package, you know? That person, that couple life, and I swear, I hate admitting it because I fancy myself Wonder Woman, but. . .I really want it – the whole package.”
– Lorelai Gilmore (who has been like a second mother to me this week & for a good portion of my life)
What do you do when you’re feeling extremely vulnerable?
Based on the title you probably thought that this post was going to be about catching an STD or working out and I’m sorry to disappoint you but it’s only about one of those things, kind of.
With the first two weeks of this academic year almost behind me I’d be lying through my teeth if I told you that I wasn’t stressed out yet. I’m the silly putty that can no longer be stretched, the taffy that is pulled as thin as a wire, the rubber band that can has lost it’s elasticity. I think you get the point.
(an approximate picture of how much coffee I’ve ingested so far)
This year I promised myself that I was going to start taking a more proactive approach to my physical fitness. I even dug out my yoga mat and dvd for crying out loud! Yet, I still have yet to actually use it because my schedule is crazy and I haven’t had a second to manage my time properly. So that’s one issue that I will be working on this year for sure.
I digress. So far this semester where I have missed feeling the burn through physical exercise I have been feeling it in my fingertips. I’ve made up for all of that by sacrificing my fingerprints to the coffee gods instead. Yes, I am the sterotypical college student that ingests more coffee than water and still doesn’t ever feel entirely awake. Woe is me. My fingertips have also been in pain because taking notes for five classes is a workout in and of itself.
As the year progresses my major goals are to pass my classes (obviously), start eating better and to start doing more positive things like not drinking as much coffee as I do right now but we’ll see how that goes and to start working out. So, at least they’re attainable?
This video is both scary and smart in all of it’s truthiness regarding higher education and it’s ridiculous costs. Especially since this semester my finances have taken a significant shot to the face and the school year hasn’t even started yet.
A small part of me is really nervous about this coming semester because of my class load, my sudden loss of some hours at work and the fact that I am not “rolling in the dough” in any remote sense of the word and it is both humanizing and mildly humiliating, but I’ve continued to surround myself with friend’s , family and academic resources that can help me to make it through this tolling semester with ease and some clarity.
This year I’m going to attempt to make my education my “boyfriend” again like I had originally had planned for my first year (which was two and a half years ago) until I met someone who later became my boyfriend and it all blew up in my face at the end of the year because I put too much pressure on myself to spin all of the plates while he did nothing. But this post isn’t about him.
So, today was the first day and even though I’ve only had two out of my five classes they were pretty bearable despite how much I was worried about them being excruitiatingly bad. Remember when you are going in to take your drivers license test (or any test really) & you’re psyching yourself up for it so much worrying that you’re going to mess up everything and then you get into the test and you find out that you pass it? Well, that’s kind of how I feel like this semeter is going to go for me. Which is a great thing because I tend to put more pressure on myself than is really necessary and then it bogs me down and shit happens and it never ends well. So right now I’m going to vow to not let myself get bogged down with all of the useless crap that surrounds me and to not put more than a necessary amount of pressure on myself to succeed this year because eventuallly things will work themselves out.
With that I will end this rambling post and start doing my homework.
Have a wonderful year everyone (whether you’re in school or working your big kid job already)