The Weight of Love

“If you have the ability to love, love yourself first.”

— Charles Bukowski

Over the past year or so I’ve spent a lot of time alone. They say that that’s supposed to help you to “find yourself”. Well, I call bullshit. I’ve known myself for 25 years now. Sure, I learn new things about myself everyday, but that’s a part of the human experience, right? You’re supposed to learn from the trials and tribulations that this wonderful thing called life puts us through. I guess the good news though is that we’re all in this together and no one gets out alive.

But I digress…

I’ve been alone for more than long enough to get to know myself properly. I know what makes me happy, what makes me tick, what can demolish me in a second and what can build me up when I need it the most.

But now, I think I need, or at the very least, want a giant spoon to scoop out all of the heaviness that’s wrapped itself around me, both internally and externally. I don’t want to be sad anymore.

This year marks the five year anniversary of my dad’s death. Two days before the anniversary I’ll be on a plane coming back from a two week trip with my classmates. In almost five years I haven’t been near my dad’s grave or to his house that had to be sold upon his passing.

In the years since his death, especially this one, I’ve contemplated going to his house or to his grave. However, now I’m not so sure about going to his gravesite since it’s just a box under the ground. Whereas at my dad’s house, provided if the new owners will let me on the property, my dad’s spirit is still there and things that he has touched and built with his own two hands are there. My family said our last goodbyes to him there. It only makes sense.

I’m not entirely sure what I’m looking for at these places, but something inside of me is telling me that I should go if I can just to find out what it may be.

I’m not entirely sure what I need to do to get this leaden armor off of me or to stop the gnawing in the pit of my stomach to go away, or even the void in my heart to go away. I just know that I want it gone.

Since I’ve been in college I’ve been trying to find ways to get these feelings to go away. I’ve tried to be as least self-destructive as I could be. So far I’ve seen a counselor, I’ve been told to get medication twice now and I’ve also attempted to get out and be social. However, that’s a bit of a problem  when you’re a person that never stops thinking no matter how much they try to shut off their brain.

If it’s not one thing, it’s another.

Though upon reflection, maybe trying to ease my wounds by throwing myself into one of the most stressful environments that a single person can willingly throw themselves into wasn’t the greatest of ideas; but here I  am. 

With one year left of school and the rest of the world at my feet I want to try to go out into the world and not be weighed down by sadness.

Edit: It’s been four days since I’ve published this post. Today I called one of my dad’s closest friends and who was basically one of his main caretakers when he was sick. He (his friend) is going to get me the number of the guy that currently lives in my dad’s house so that I can go out there this summer on the anniversary of my dad’s death.

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Roots and Wings

I graduate college next year. I graduate college next year, and honestly I think that I’m a little terrified. I mean, that’s usually the natural response to something like this. Or at least it has been for everyone that I’ve known that’s graduated already. But they eventually picked themselves up and have started to make something out of themselves.

I just hope that transfers to everyone that turns their tassels come graduation day.

The only difference between me and most of them is that while they are laying down roots I’m trying to figure out where my next travel destination will be. There’s so much more of this world that I have yet to and want to see and explore. So, unless I get a job out of college that lets me travel and work at the same time that I actually enjoy than I may be forced to start rooting myself. That would be cool if Missouri was where I wanted to stay all of my life. Which I don’t. I’ve lived here for going on 26 years, and while they’ve been some good years, they haven’t made me want to stay much longer.

A while ago during a late night Facebook conversation. a friend of mine pointed out to me that I was restless. Of course I am. I’ve seen five countries in the span of two weeks and what I saw was very little. Of course my natural inclination right now is to fly rather than fight.

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A few things that I’ve noticed while I travel is that that big black cloud of depression that likes to hang over me in my daily life seems to dissipate and the straight jacket of anxiety tends to loosen up its hold. So, obviously I’m doing something right. Right?

However…..

I have this nagging feeling deep inside that I want to lay down some roots or something. I think what it is is my desire to want to take care of something and in turn be taken care of.

While I’m quite fond of being the independent woman that I am (I think I am), I have also been single for going on four years now. I realize that that’s not a lot of time compared to some people. For example, my mom; she’s been single/divorced for almost eight years now and she seems to be doing pretty well. But there are days when I know that she would do anything to have someone by her side to help carry some of the weight of her stressful life. For that I don’t blame her either. If anything, I want her (and my brothers by proxy) to be happy.

I come from a family of tough, driven and stubborn women so it could be years before I reach whatever it is I really want out of life. So for now I’ll just have to work at chipping away at this shell that I’ve built up around myself by myself.

Just Passing Time While Trying to be an Adult

As the end of the semester draws near by the day, there are literally five more Mondays left in this semester, I feel like this is appropriate to be writing now.

 

In just a couple of weeks my school is holding it’s annual end of the semester/school year wrap-up festivities and I am not ready for a myriad of reasons. The first of those being that after my trip to Europe for two weeks I have no idea what I’m going to do or where I’m going to live and that’s terrifying. 

I mean, so is the fact that I only have roughly a year and a half left of school since I decided to minor in Sociology, but the passage of time from freshmen year to now has gone uncomfortably fast. As I continue to get older I am one thousand percent sure that things just aren’t going to slow down, or get any easier. 

At the very least I think that one of the best things that I’ve done for myself in between now and then is to set some really great goals for myself. Some of these include but are not limited to; get my GPA up to a 3.0, travel more, start saving for my move to Chicago in three years. Yes, upon graduation I’m giving myself the three years that I have left on my Ventra card that still has some money on it as a promise to myself. Is that weird? If so, well then I’m just a big weirdo. 

 

I don’t want to grow up. 

Buyers Remorse & a Permanent Purchase

I’ve got buyers remorse. I’ve got it bad and on something that’s sadly non-refundable. In fact, it’s actually been a permanent fixture on my body and I’ve had it for the past three years.

That’s right, I have a tattoo. Actually I have two but I only kind of d

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eeply regret getting one of them.

Ever since I was young I’ve wanted a tattoo. I sketched terri

ble mockups of what I wanted it to look like in all of my journals and as my life happened I found more and more to put into it. Some of my influences ranged all the way from ‘Learn to Fly’ by the Foo Fighters to mantras that somehow resonated with me at the ripe old age of 10.  Yeah, I’m real deep.

I remember the experience fondly. It had just been a little while after my dad had passed away and I had lost my first real “big girl job”, so I just decided to throw caution to the wind  and spend a good chunk of my severance pay and ink myself for life with an idea that I had had stuck in my head for at least the past 10 years.

That was a dumb idea.

But I was  young and stupid and had money and an idea that I thought was the best ever. I mean, who doesn’t love a memorial tattoo?

Once the ink dried and the majority of the pain subsided I took to the interwebs and blogged about the experience and life’s little ironies and while I still find the items listed ironic, I now wish that I had given the idea more thought and not just “yolo’d” my money away.

With tattoo removal costing $49 per square inch and me currently being a poor college student I don’t see removal happening anytime soon and I really don’t want these guys to touch me.

 

 

Moving on Up

Change is a good thing, but self-imposed change? Now that is a great thing.I’ve been a self- imposed changer for a good amount of my life. I think it has to do with my genetic stubbornness or something.

Next year I’m doing just that. Next year, I will be moving out of what has been my home for the past two years and in to the apartment style suites on campus with this lovely lady and two secret suite-mates. My current roommate is only in our room three days of the week because she goes home until Monday night. So I get the room to myself for a good portion of the week and I’d be lying if I told you that I wasn’t feeling a bit spoiled by it. Of course there’s a sad side to all of this because a good portion of my friend’s that I have met this year and have had for the past two years are living in my current hall. I’ll just be working here.

I think that next year with my 15 hour class load and possible freelancing for the school paper that living on my own is going to be the best thing for me. Plus, my friend and I are planning on going to the gym and doing yoga in our room/s on a semi-regular basis. So, that’s good!

At this point I really just want to move my stuff in to my room now, instead of waiting until Fall. But I guess I will have to practice patience and try to keep my mind as busy as possible as summer..

Off to study for finals and start packing now. Have a wonderful day/night everyone.