This Roller Coaster Only Goes Up

This summer has been an interesting one. It’s been full of ups and downs but it’s almost over.

My favorite time of the year is FINALLY  upon us. That’s right kids, summer is almost over and Fall is about to roll in.  A new school year, sweaters, pumpkin lattes and the  familiar sound of crunchy fallen leaves underfoot. I’d say there’s nothing better about the season.

I leave for school in exactly eleven days (but who’s counting? Not this girl) and I have exactly half a mountain to shove into my little Camry and drive up to school & unload and unpack it all before going to my aunt’s to get a few more of my things before I am officially moved in for the year, and what a year it will be. My schedule will be packed with fifteen credit hours, twelve of them Communication classes and a Macroeconomics class and working. So, it’ll be a busy year, but I handpicked my roommate this year and I have a room that allows me to walk around sans pants whenever I want. So yeah, it’s going to be a good year.

Despite the fact that this summer hasn’t been my best by a long shot because I was regretfully un-employed and overwhelmed with a summer class along with moving our entire house, twice, and not having a computer or any wifi access added to it.  My determination to make this upcoming school year a wonderful one is burning.

I’m Remedial at Best

When it comes to math I am remedial at best. I have spent the last four years trying to get to a point where I could go to school. pass it, and be done with it. Sadly, that is no longer the case. This summer I have spent the last seven weeks in a class and just barely getting by. I actually don’t know if I’m going to pass it or not with our final being next week, but I’m praying I will. I need to.

In my attempts at passing math I’ve enrolled in my school’s Aleks pmathtreerogram, which if you’ve ever had to do submit yourself to that kind of agony you know that it’s not pleasant. Unless you’re one of those idiot savants that can be stoned, drunk and asleep and can still do math and pass the class. I realize that you can’t do anything asleep, but you get my point.

I also tend to over think myself into a tizzy (as if you all hadn’t noticed if you’ve ever read my Twitter) and I’m also really great at not giving myself credit where it’s due. Because come on seriously, I’ve spent a butt load of money on a few classes that got me just past nowhere. I know that everyone is good at things in their own capacity but math never fails to fail me. Not all math, just basically anything past basic algebra.

In three and a half weeks (yes I’m counting) I move back into my dorm at school and even though I don’t technically have a math class this year unless you count Macroeconomics as one, I’m going to go to my school’s disability center to see if they can test me for dyscalculia, which is dyslexia but with numbers and math related things. Then I’m going to do everything I possibly can to pass any future math classes I have because when I had my stroke almost twelve years ago really fucked some of my shit up. No, having a stroke is not exactly an excuse. If anything it should be my fuel that adds to my hatefire to the subject, but alas it does not because I accidentally let it become a crutch and I fall right back into square one as if nothing ever happened.

Summer, stress and getting lost in the library.

Now that it’s summer it’s time  to de-stress and lick wounds from the previous years punches and jabs. But not all of us are that lucky. This summer so far has been a stress filled one, so the wounds that I’ve been trying to heal keep cracking and bleeding.

Earlier tonight my mom and I sat  down and watched a movie together (which is something that doesn’t happen all that often. The movie was Eat, Pray, Love and yes, I was one of the naive and wishful girls that ran out and bought the book when it was released because at the time I was seeking something, I just didn’t know what exactly.

Tonight while watching the movie and explaining what little I remembered of it to my mom I had a strong desire to go find my copy and bury myself in it again and come out on the other side washed free of all of the stress and worries that I let consume me on a regular basis. To reiterate this past year at school kicked my ass all over the place. My suite-mates were ridiculous and loud and I like to be a hermit some times and lock myself away and some of my classes were stressful, but I managed to pass them by the skin of my teeth and I don’t want that to happen next year. I have a goal GPA to reach by graduation, dammit!

With all of the stress that I’ve been feeling this year it only makes sense that I would want to do something big and refreshing to prepare myself for school next year. Butttttt since I’m currently unemployed for the summer and summer classes start soon for the next eight weeks I can’t really do much except hide myself in the library and try not to feel bad for myself and live vicariously through the protagonists in my books. Although regrettably some times that’s not enough because I want to be doing the things that I read about. For example, I just finished reading Anna and the French Kiss by Stephanie Perkins and even though I could tell what was going to happen in the end before I was even there I still fell in love with  every character in the book (which I think everyone has a problem of doing) and it was a bittersweet feeling to finish it.

So, in hopes of keeping my sanity intact this summer and my unemployment status changing soon I’m going to keep checking out books and even look for Eat, Pray, Love at the library because I have no idea where in my scattered across the state collection of books where my copy is and hopefully I will begin to feel a good portion of my stress lifting before school starts back up i n the fall.  If you are interested in what books I’m reading you can be my friend on Goodreads.

I think that’s all for now. I’m going to try to keep the blog updated this summer but until I get a new computer (I want a MacBook Pro) and have gas money to go to the library on a regular enough basis to write, but there’s no promises.

Here’s a little something to make your day better!

When the Universe speaks, you should probably listen.

“Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.”- Nathaniel Hawthorne

I think the Universe is trying to tell me something.

I think that that something in question is perhaps my lack of focus. Mainly on myself, of all things. All my life I’ve always tried to take care of others around me before I took time out to take care of the things that I need. Now that I’m in school, I feel like I can work on fixing that again, and I will.

For some reason all this semester I’ve been a tad envious of the scads of happy couples that I’ve seen around me. I’m happy for them, but yes. I am a bit bitter. Only because I want my own boyfriend. This year though, I think that the gods of Academia are working every trick in their arsenal to keep my ass single. Now that I’ve come to terms with this over the past two months, I’m 100% okay with it because I’m a busy woman and I’m not in a position to be inviting someone else into my hectic, crazy as balls life right now. This fact has actually paid off for me too, because I’m making decent grades this semester, and it’s just more motivation for me to make even better grades from here. After all, my goal is to graduate in 2.5 years with at least a 3.5 GPA.

Now, normally I’m a great juggler of all of the things that life has to throw at me. But this year and if need be, farther into the future, I’m okay with being a single girl.   However, the hopeless romantic/semi-needy and affectionate side of me is going to be a bitch to keep tame but I’ve worked through it before, I can do it some more.

So, the moral of the story boys and girls is simply this: just because everyone around you is doing something, it does not mean that you need to conform and do the same thing they are. If your single, embrace the shit out of it while you can because there will come a time when you will no longer be and you will wish that you are again. Take care of yourself first and don’t become a sheep, and once you learn to love yourself then someone, the right one, will find you and will love you more than you can even imagine.